I have officially been in California for almost 3 1/2 months. Many ask me how is California?
A couple months ago, I would say that everything is "fine," "great" and "going well." If anyone asks me that question now I say that I am thankful to be here but I am frustrated. It is a constant struggle I try and cope with everyday, and with me being a moody, impatient person already, it doesn't help. It's like two arms on either side of me yanking back n forth. I could be in a peaceful, tranquil moment one minute, driving to my destination and looking at the mountains with the sun shining down, or looking up at the sky at night and seeing how clear it is with the stars shining through.
The next day (or day later), I'll wake up in almost a state of panic, mainly a money issue, which I figured out my "worst case scenario" is I could survive as I am at this moment until the beginning of summer. I have had some interviews, couple that were hoaxy and a couple that I really wanted but didn't get. When I do have a hopeful possibility, they are all up in the air. If I were back home, they would've never been up in the air. Here, people take their dear sweet time giving you an answer...and all I can do is just wait...
I do notice that I have gotten much more aggressive and feisty since I got here, which I think is a good and bad thing. It's almost like I won't take no for an answer, ESPECIALLY when it comes to a job or temp position I really, REALLY want. I have always been control of my life but I want control of all situations now, friends and family are the exception. I also am having a ton of trust issues out here. I won't let anyone in. I can speak my mind but I won’t let them in. I have four good friends here: my roomie, my friend in LA and my two friends in San Diego when I get a chance to see them. That's it. At first I felt lonely when I got here and wanted more friends, but I am enjoying this time by myself amazingly and I finally figured out why.
Most people in their 20s struggle. They have an apartment and try to make ends meat with their first low-paying job. Then maybe half of them settle down and get married.
Me? I moved home when I was done with college back to mom n dad's house-- until age 30. I'm not gonna lie to y'all, I had it good. The only bills I paid were my car insurance, health insurance (depending on the year), credit card and cell phone bill. Then I had gas for my car and my entertainment/clothing expenses. The rest of it I saved...and I saved..and I saved...and I invested. I had no rent and no groceries to pay but I chipped in around the house.
So looking back, I have never been on my own and REALLY knew what is was like. So now that I'm 30 away from home I feel like I am making up for lost time...in a sense I feel like I am "behind" or something.
Back home for about two years I was out every weekend partying with someone and meeting somebody, especially between 2006 until the end of last year. Between 2008 until the middle of 2009 I went out whenever I could, not just to party but I was always going somewhere. It was a time where I was heartbroken, sad and angry at the same time. I will talk about it another day...
Anyway, back to the going out thing. Now in California? Most of my days are spent at my home. I work, run my errands, go to the gym, look for more jobs, sip some wine. Occasionally I'll go out here to a movie with my friend or dinner and have a nice low-key night. It's so expensive to go out! My first club I went to had a $20 cover. I looked at my roomie like, Is this FOR REAL?! He said yes K, it is.
I went NUTS when I first got here-- I thought, oh boy my new home! I went down to Robertson Blvd, I spent a weekend in Santa Barbara, I went down and saw San Diego and my friend, I went to the VMAs, I went to a couple museums and Calabasas-- list goes on. Then I had to buckle down and save some of these fun things for a later date and not all at once. I had to remind myself that the real reason I am here is to succeed and build a life...and to be more frugal with my money.
I think if I would've moved to California in my 20s I would've fallen into something bad, not like drugs or sex or anything bad like that, but I think I would've been taken emotionally advantaged of. I would've been too young and thought young, if that makes any sense. I would've been a totally different person. Now at 30, I don't think California can 100% change me...maybe just 25%. For the most part, I feel good about myself and know who I am.
I also get asked about the men out here and if I have met any cute "potential" guys and been out on a date. What I am about to say may shock some of you because when I do get asked this people seem to be shocked by the answer. I'm not lying, I'm just telling the truth: The answer is no, I haven't met any cute guys but creepy or unprofessional ones.
One time I was filling up my gas at the gas station and this ghetto guy was filling up his tank next to me. We talked for a total of 20 seconds: Name, where I lived, what I did-- all of which I lied about because I sensed creepiness. Then he asked me for my number and said to me, "So what's up baby can I take you out sometime, show you around?" Wink, wink.
Unfortunately for the poor guy, I was already in a bad mood for the day.
"Do I LOOK like an idiot to you?!" I shouted back. "Do you really think after talking to me for 20 seconds that I'm just gonna automatically TRUST you and THROW my number at you?! I ain't that kind of girl!" and drove off. The guy just looked stunned and shaky.
See what I mean about me trusting people?
The last date I was on was May 2008. I am not really the "dating" type. My guy friend once said that to me in college and I thought it was absurd but as time went on and I realized some things about me I thought, oh my god he was right. I look back in my 20s and most of the time I think, what the hell was I thinking back then?
Most of the time I am guarded if I casually meet someone here, it's not like back home where you feel at ease with someone. I am guarded 24/7 out here because you never know their intention. If someone were to ask me what I do for a job and I told them I worked in the media field they would perk up, chat about it for a few minutes with you and move onto the next subject.
Now if you told someone that HERE, they perk up and won't shut up about it. Then they want your number to see if it could maybe get them somewhere when they don't even have a background in that same field to begin with. And I shouldn't have to sit there and lie about what I have (and have been trying) to do with my life because I love it! I don't believe people that don't have a degree or background in the entertainment/media field should be allowed a job in the same field, because it's the people in MY field that have a passion for it and are trying to get ahead with that career path in their life! And I will sit there and tell these people that and they just look at me in shock and awe that I speak up!
In a fantasy land, when people think of LA, they think of the glam, excitement, etc etc...and it is, it's like a candy store sometimes. I used to think that all the time I visited on vacation. In reality, it's just a place where people try to be happy and go forth with their daily lives, they try and find that inner peace.
I still have yet to find my inner peace.
