The relationship with my dad

Tonight I wanted to talk about the relationship I have with my father, Paul. Once again my parents can't see the blog because I have certain things blocked on my social media accounts and plus they don't even know this blog exists. This is going into my memoir...I'll probably edit it a bit later because I am never 100% satisfied.

The relationship my father and I have I would say is better than it's ever been. It started getting better after he retired from his chiropractic business in 2006. Before that it was a bunch of struggles.

When I talk about my dad now I can say it with more respect than I did when I was growing up, because when you grow up and you have a hard time with your parents-- at least I did. So when I talk about my dad then vs now I just understand it better.

My dad was a very successful chiroparctor who owned his own business. He was a businessman and new what it took to make it successful. He went to many seminars on how to try and make it bigger and better, which he succeeded at. Before he was a chiropractor he was a pharmacist and maintained his license in Minnesota and Florida. After he retired he went back into pharmacy part time to keep his mind busy. My dad really enjoys what he does and is good at it.

My dad worked hard but he also played hard...it was when I was sometime in elementary school. I don't remember a lot looking back but the way I understand it was he wanted to celebrate his success and party it up. What I can remember is my mom and I went to this hole in the wall called "Sneakers" in Brooklyn Park and she brought me with to go looking for him. I remember walking down these flights of stairs and seeing all these guys playing pool, and when they saw a little kid walk in everyone just stopped and stared at me. I never saw my dad as a hard drinker or alcoholic, just someone who liked to have fun. Months later he got a DUI for running a stop sign. I remember my mom and aunt going to bail him out and playing a game with my grandma (his mom). When I heard the garage door open I ran downstairs and opened the back door to great him and I have this image of him in the backseat and my mom very angry and hurt.

After his court appearance he was ordered to do community service, which was arranging all of the choir music sheets from our local church. My mom and I ended up doing most of it. Shortly after he buckled down a lot and my mom had to drive him back and forth from his practice because his drivers license was revoked. Maybe a year later my mom and I went to Ohio and my mom went into my grandma's garage and saw the old 1954 Corvette sitting there. It used to be a race car that was given to my grandfather by a race car driver. My mom ended up shipping it home to my dad, and thus the project began.

I noticed a major change in my dad once he got that car. He spent the rest of my childhood restoring that car so it was 100% perfect. He even joined a club called the National Corvette Restorers Society which he is still a member of. It's Duntoved (a prestigious award) at 99.9% accurate. I remember when he won that award I was soooooooooooo proud of him! There are only 12,000 '54 vettes left in the world. It's worth $100,000 because of its perfect condition.

In between this I was taking private piano lessons and putting on local concerts. I was also involved in dance and other activities like softball. My mom was a stay at home mom and went to every single one of those games. My dad came to as many as he could, but not all. You would think growing up that I would have gotten upset because he was busy at a work meeting or doing something with the corvette, but I wasn't. I never cried about it. I think I might have been upset ONCE and wrote about it in my diary but I just got over it. In my mind it was "Dad has a goal he's trying to accomplish" and I never hated him for it. In my teens my dad would later say how he regretted not being there more but I told him there was no hard feelings, and that was the honest to god truth. But looking back now, I can see why my dad and I had some tension between us years later, maybe because of that but I still don't really know. What I DO understand is why I am and was always searching for 100% emotional support from a potential romantic partner.

My dad is much more calmer after he retired from his business. If I was dealing with insurance companies all day long, I'd be going nutty too. My mother was also played a huge keyrole in making the business successful on the administrative/billing side. They formed a partnership. My mom was also so good at dealing with insurance companies that the State Capitol asked her to come and volunteer for them, which she declined because she didn't want to pay for parking.

My dad always wanted me to take over his business. He had a great list of clientele and people really listened and trusted my dad. But I loved the media/entertainment field just too much. Growing up I was entertaining people or writing at a very young age, I always, ALWAYS knew what I wanted to do and be. My dad was slightly upset that I didn't want his business and ended up selling it to a younger chiropractor who is also very successful. The thought of touching skin all day just grossed me out...and it still does.

As far as my career goes and my dad supporting it, I think he supports it the best way he knows how. There are still some days that he is not thrilled with what I do because he was a businessman and old-fashioned, that's all he knows. I could explain it to him until I'm blue in the face and he still might not get it. But he accepts it as best as he can, he is who he is and I can't change that. What he DOES acknowledge a lot of how hard of a worker I am. I definitely get that trait from him. When I work hard, I work hard. We both love to work because we'd go nutty without it. The older I get the more I realize that I have more traits like my dad than my mom, and my mom and I were closer when I was growing up...isn't that funny?

My dad was hard on me sometimes growing up and had a slight temper. He never laid a hand on me but fought with words. I used to get teased a lot in elementary school and he taught me how to stick up for myself and don't let anyone push me around, which is funny because that is why him and I butt heads sometimes to this day. My dad and I like arguing now but not in a bad way, we just like telling each others perspectives on things. My mom will say to us, Stop lecuturng Paul! or Stop arguing you two! But my dad and I just look at her and say, No it's fine, we are communicating. That's the only way we know how.

I noticed after my dad retired in 2006 that he says "I love you" a lot more. Sometimes it still throws me through a loop because my dad is one of those guys who shows that he loves you or is sorry by getting that person a gift. For him to actually say it is just like, wow! sometimes.

Moving to LA was sooooooooooo incredibly tough on him (and still is). I saw my dad cry once when his mother died and then when I moved out. I wish I could sit there and say I cried with him but I didn't. Throughout the whole move I was calm and focused. Sometimes on the phone (like today actually) he was talking about all these jobs in Minneapolis... in between the lines obviously he wants me to come back home for good. When he grew up he had an army dad and they moved place to place to place. He was always near his family, even when my mom and him got married they still lived 5 minutes away. So for me to up and leave all about myself, the only child, was hard on him. I've talked about this before in past blogs, I moved home from college and all I did was save up and hardly had any expenses, I had it good. So for me leaving the nest at age 30 after I've been there for the past 30 years of my life (not counting being away while at college) was a huge change. He believes in being planted where you are (in Minnesota) and I can understand why he would think that way.

There is nothing my dad wouldn't do for his family, he is there thick and thin. My dad tries as hard as he can to be emotionally supportive but it's financially supportive that he strives at. I joke that I am a spoiled only child because I am. There are two kinds of spoiled children: A) The kind that say mommy daddy give me this or that and B) the other kind where the parents just naturally spoil the child without having the child ask them for anything. I am letter B. My dad raised me to be independent (which is so odd because he isn't, he's a mess without my mom around, lol) so I hardly go to him for anything, even when I lived at home after college. I think once in a blue moon I'll ask for maybe a maximum of $20. I never, ever, ever went to either of my parents and said, Mom/dad, I'm in a bind. I always found a way out. My mom calls me a "survivor" because I am.

It's been awhile...

It has been three months since I last posted something about my journeys in LaLa land. This is gonna be a bit long and I'm going to go back in time...

I went home for the holidays and it felt great to see my family and friends again. I'm not gonna lie, when I got home I was in AWE with all the snow. When I walked into my house I felt happy yet oddly sad. I asked my mom why I felt this way and she said because of all the memories and I am not around anymore. My dog was so happy to see me, running back and forth with her tongue hanging out. She gave me a great big hug!

I spent Christmas with my family and my friend Gene. It was nice having a home cooked meal again and watching movies. A few days later I went to visit and hang out with friends. Whenever I go home from Cali and start driving around I am in shock for about a day, everything from not as much traffic to the snow and yes, even the kind people-- you name it I am just like woah.

Coming home was also kind of uneasy and upsetting. Not only did my grandma (mom's mom) fall down the steps and is in a nursing home rehab, coming home was hard on my dad emotionally. He was angry and sad with me the last four days of my visit to the point where I just couldn't hold his hand anymore, I was getting annoyed. My mom sensed this and I told her I just wanted to go back to OC. My dad just couldn't live in the moment while I was home and that didn't make me feel so well. Anyone that's from the Midwest knows that it's important to have a romantic relationship and continue to build closeness with family and friends from over the years. My dad just couldn't understand why I up and left all that. He said, you know, a lot of 30-somes have a great job, are married and are settled with a house and kids. I said well dad maybe one day way into the future but times are different now and I just want to live my life. He got kind of angry at that. When I came back to OC we didn't speak for a week. In between all this, my mom flew to Ohio to be with my grandma. My grandma finally went back to her house on Saturday but she is still going to need my moms help for awhile, at least until the end of March.

I came back expecting to go full time either with my current company NAVTEQ or with CBS. NAVTEQ was hiring full time drivers to help do data capture so they could make new maps. What excites me about this job is I have the opportunity to travel and the fact that driving is something that makes me feel free and focused (the other is writing). Long story short, they were suppose to hire in January and then pushed it until the end of March.

CBS was looking for a Web Content Producer and they too are also waiting until the spring. That's why I sometimes type on my FB status that spring is such a crucial month for me because a lot of things will be answered. It's scary to think of where I will or will not end up. I used to be stressed about it for weeks but I had to calm myself down and just relax or I was gonna drive myself crazy.

In between all this time and still applying to other jobs I volunteered at the Santa Barbara Intl Film Festival. If I had my way and life was grand, I'd move there. It's kind of my getaway from LA and OC. I am at such peace there and it's just gorgeous. I love the central coast, the furthest up I went was San Simeon where the Hearst Castle was. I would love to do some hiking and maybe camp out (yes, I would love to try camping out at least once in my life...y'all are probably laughing at me) up there one day.

Ok anyway the film festival...it was an amazing experience. I got to work a couple of Red Carpet events, one was with Geoffrey Rush and Ed Harris. The rest of the time I was working in the press office. I basically helped the press with screener check-outs, made phone calls, ran clipboards to the appropriate theatres, etc etc...I swear I lost weight, State Street (the main street in Santa Barbara) is soooooooo long. I had a blast and I can't wait to do another festival.

I also have been trying to volunteer for other organizations. I am waiting to hear back from the Red Cross about a PR and PIO position. I am also waiting to hear back about being a newsletter writer called Adopt-A-Park. I like giving back to the community (ok and enhancing my skills and resume too) and it makes me feel good. I just secured a volunteer position as an online comm manager for Barks-Of-Love. I love dogs, miss mine all the time. I would love to get a dog here but it doesn't work out with my living situation at the moment. I miss nuturing a dog.  :(

I also was an extra in the Adam Sandler movie "Jack and Jill" where I was a theatre goer with about 700 other extras. Al Pacino was in the scene and we all went nuts when he came on stage. The night before he had won a Golden Globe. Seeing Adam Sandler direct was interesting, he's funny and extremely calm. There was a scene where Al said a line and I had to be the first to jump up and scream "WHOO!!!" and clap and cheer. So we'll see if I made the final cut or not, if I didn't it's ok, I was just happy to be there. I don't know how some of you that are actors do it, my little cousin Rachel says oh Biggie C (Big Cous nickname), you just have to relate to the character. I just can't, I can only relate to myself, lol.

If anyone is wondering about my guy situation because y'all know I'm infamous for NOT going out on dates (lol), the answer is not at the moment. I did recently realize a few months ago that dating doesn't have to be so scary after all and I am starting to put myself out there. I have a high self esteem about myself when it comes to taking care of myself, my job, family, friends, but when it came to dating I just didn't have it for a very long time. Now I feel like I am at a good place in my life and I want to be happy with someone just like the rest of y'all are with your significant other. So we will see what happens, I am going to start having more fun.

I know some of you have told me this-- ok a lot of you-- about Cali men and that their aren't any good ones out here. All I can say is I have to believe that love exists for me somewhere. For me to actually start believing in it again after three years of being a non-believer took a lot of time to get to where I am right now. I look back and I don't think I had up a ton of walls but I remember going through heartache and being a mini socialite back home (lol). Through all of it I never stopped loving myself, even if I don't love myself the right way I do it the best way I know how to.

I feel like ever since I turned 30 I feel good about getting older. My 20s were amazing (and at times dumb) and I have so much I want to accomplish and do. I just want it to be filled with more laughs and love.

Talk to y;al later!

K.