I got a full time job, I did what I came here to do...now what?

Two weeks ago I accepted a full time position with my current company at NAVTEQ. Right now I am editing part time at our traffic center and I am a fill-in producer at KCBS. Lately I've been working 43, 41 hours a week almost, more than my full time co-workers. It's nuts.

The position I accepted is a driving gig. I basically would drive in a company vehicle 7-8 hours a day with a satellite on top of that takes pictures of the roadways. I joke with my other co-worker Sandy, who also will be doing the same thing I am, that I can't wait to go to Watts and drive the back roads, find me a straight shooter, lol. For those of you that don't know what Watts is, compare it to a bad part of town in North Mpls.

The training is the first full week in April in San Francisco. I'm not even looking at it as training, I'm looking at it as a mini vacay. I haven't been to San Fran since my choir trip back in high school. The company is flying me up there then we have to drive the car back down. I am taking the coastal route back down, I wish I could have someone as a passenger with me, the coast is so gorgeous! :)

It's weird how I was so stressed out, esp. in January and February, about finding a full time job, then I get one and now I feel...neutral. It's not my dream job but I do like the fact that I will be traveling and driving. There are only two things that calm me down, driving and writing, I enjoy them. I remember if it was warm back home and I was in a stressed out mood I'd look at my dad and ask for the keys to the vette, just so I could take it on the freeway and speed a bit. Driving takes away all the stress and I feel so free when I'm doing it...don't know why. It's the only time I feel like I am in control, like you don't want to mess with me, lol. If I am the passenger I feel out of control and will probably pop a ton of gum in my mouth just to calm myself down, lol.

It's weird how when I accepted the full time job how I miss the Midwest so much. I think I started realizing it when I reconnected with my friend Brea a week ago after 2 years of not talking. She said to me, Do you know how lucky you are to just up and leave for a new place?! So many people never do that and you did it! It made me feel good but also made me feel numb. I think what I'm realizing is I can stay in California in my early 30s, but once I get into my mid/late 30s, I wanna go back home, either back to Mpls or to Chicago and get settled with a family, again I don't know why it took me moving to California to realize this-- that should be the title for my memoir now, lol. Maybe it's age? I want my future kids to see the change of seasons and jump in the leaves and have snowball fights and have hot cocoa by the fireplace and that kind of stuff. And they are going to have a treehouse in the backyard damnit, girl growing up down the street from me had a treehouse and I always wanted one. So the treehouse is a must.

So yeah, I am at such a crossroads...back in January I told a couple people that if I couldn't find a full time job I was probably going to have to end up moving back home and that I was probably going to be angry for awhile. Now here I am, I get the full time job, and I miss the Midwest. Just when I thought I had it all figured out, I'm half clueless..goddamnit you guys, there is never going to be a happy medium with me! LOL. I feel like a need a sign from someone or somebody, tried turning to God but I don't think he knows either, lol. One thing I will say about California is I am a hell of a lot calmer with my moods than I used to be, but the patience thing is inching...

Confession: I partied way too much in my late 20s and was heartbroken

The other day I was going through a ton of old MySpace blogs that I had written from 3-4 years ago. I haven't logged into my MySpace account in ages.

Some of the things I said made me crack up-- I think my favorite was when I was talking about a liquor account and I was "dancing in a cage handing out samples and cards, then later that night I took some Vicadin because my head hurt." Then I talked about how I wanted to be locked in a cage more often. Lol.

 But some of the things I was saying back then shocked me and made me sad with what I was going through. Now that I'm 30 I can look back and have a better understanding about what was going on with me back then.

This is the first time I have ever really spoken about this but I want to leave a few details out...

I think the highest point of my life was when I was 26/27. I had just landed a full time gig at my TV station and I felt like I had it made. It was like, OMG I did it-- I work in television, ya know? After working all these part time gigs, I finally did it.

I was on top of the world but I was lonely. It's hard working in an environment where a majority of your co-workers were either engaged, married or had a significant other and when they come up to you asking why you are single and why you don't have anybody. I was proud of being single an independent, like I'm fine on my own...I can do this...but I started feeling pressure. Big time.

Awhile later, one of my co-workers approached me and asked me out, so I accepted. I was skeptical, I have never done that before, but went ahead with it. We had fun with each other and it only lasted only a few months. We both wanted to different things in life. What I learned from him was that I wanted to get married in the future, not necessarily to HIM but in general.

After we called it off I was a little sad, but not crying over it. I put more energy into work and managing liquor accounts. When NYE came in 2007 I told my best friend, "2008 is going to be MY YEAR!! Everything is going to be perfect!"

But it turned out to be my worst year of my life to date.

In January 2008 I started casually seeing a man that was older than me. I think some of you that might read this know who I am talking about. I was attracted to him from the getgo, had a co-worker put in a good word for me and ended up asking when him and I could meet up. We ended up going on a date and all I could remember was thinking, so THIS is what it's like to have those "sparks" everyone was talking about! The date lasted 8 hours-- it was a long time. We clicked, we gel'ed, everything couldn't have been more perfect. I wish I would've slowed down some, because it was like it went from 0 to 100 MPH in one night. I was excited but later scared of my actions. God in retrospect I think, What the hell was I thinking back then?

A month later everything turned into a little "game." I hated it. It was more like a "I'll call you when I want to talk to you" with him, not a "I'll call you because I'm thinking about you and want to make sure your day went well"- ya know what I mean? Everything just got too complicated and ended up being a one-way street with him. With any relationship I have in my life, friends, family, whatever-- I always make it a two-way street. Sometimes I left work between February and March because my boss thought I was "sick." But I would go home and cry, just cry, all day long. Tears just wouldn't stop. Thank god my parents weren't around and in Florida because I needed so much space during that time. I didn't want to be around anyone.

My boss sat me down one day and said he was worried about me and insisted I take a vacay. That's when I took a trip to LA with my mom in 2007. Whenever I took a trip somewhere, in the back of my mind I would wonder if I could ever live there or not. I told my mom, God, why didn't I come here years ago in my early 20s? Four years later I made that dream come true.

Anyway, back to the story...There is nothing in the world I wouldn't have done for him. I wanted us to be a couple so bad but it just couldn't be. It was an on and off head game for the rest of the year, like just when I thought I could get my bearings again and move forward, he'd come back begging me not to get rid of him in my life. I did stupid shit too-- like I'd call him and try to get a rise out of him because I missed him (at the time) and wanted attention. It wasn't cool what either of us were doing.

In between all this people started talking, most of the time getting back to him. We were never, ever a couple, let's get that straight, at times over the phone or when we did hang out we would ACT like it but we weren't. Nothing was offical. I never bad talked him and never spread rumors and he didn't do that with me either. It was strictly a situation where we were friends but at times got complicated trying to figure things out.

By the end of 2008 I was laid off from my job due to budget cuts. I thought, great. I had a rough year dealing with a guy and now I lost my job. I was heartbroken after all of it, mainly from the guy. I was able to go back to NAVTEQ again part time and still work my liquor gig but it was the guy that did me in. I felt like I wasn't good enough and I cut off dating from my life up until I moved to California. I thought, men just like me because I am tall and slender and see me as a challenge and then a conquer, what could I give a man? That's when the partying happened. My friend Brea and I would go out all the time, sometimes 4 or 5 times a week. All I remember was I didn't want to be sitting around at home and I wanted to go out, I'd always be going SOMEWHERE with Brea. And when I saw what SHE went through with men when we would go out that made me put my walls up even more. I didn't trust anybody but my family and some close friends. That was it. Don't talk to me unless I want to be talked to. Don't screw with me or I would bring you down.

I wasn't partying in a bad way where I was getting intoxicated (well, once in a blue moon) all the time, I know when to cut myself off and say no. I was the more responsible one actually and always made sure everyone else was safe in the end. Once again I was the nurturer. But the older guy I used to see used to say to me, "Kateri you party too much!" and I'd be in denial, no I'm not!! Screaming. But I did.

Dating in your 20s is suppose to be fun and loving and for a majority of it for me it wasn't. It wasn't just the ton of bad experiences. I think I kept using my hardwork effort as an excuse not to date, even as I type that I still don't 100% have that figured out.

I love being independent, but you get to a certain point in your life where the walls have to come down and you have to let someone in and go forward together when the right person comes along. Like it was just getting really old, ya know what I mean? I don't know why it took me moving to California to make me realize that.

I'm getting beyond sleepy I need to go to bed...

Where I was when the bridge fell down

I found this on my MySpace blog. I haven't logged into it in god knows how long but I wanted to dig into my past to see how I was feeling back then. Anyway here's a post I wrote about when the 35W Bridge fell in 2007:

Jan 15, 2008

Where I was when the bridge went down

Current mood:calm

I was going to type this MONTHS ago and I never did. I wrote on a quick blog that I was still stuck in the newsroom and I got a ton of e-mails from people on here, and I'm not talking just friends. At the time I didn't have my profile set to private. But I really was surprised at the strangers who e-mailed me, I remember.
The 35W Bridge is not considered "old news" in the Twin Cities, even 5 months later and I'm typing this. Take a look on KSTP.com and they are looking into the gusset plates that might have caused the bridge to collapse. It won't be "old news" I would GUESS until December 2008. It is suppose to "re-open" on Dec 24th. Even when I go out to places, people are still talking about the bridge.
If and when we have interns come in, they always ask what it is like when there is breaking news at the assignment desk. We use the 35W Bridge Collapse as the best example.
I dunno where I should begin...
I'll say it again and again: at the time, I don't think the state of MN has really been this devastated since Wellstone died, which was in 2002. I went to the memorial and reported. In the end, the memorial caused a ton of controversy and a ton of sadness. The same applies to the 35W Bridge Collapse.
I get off at 6:30pm Wed-Fri evenings. It was 6:20pm and I was getting ready to leave. I was waiting for my co-worker to come back to the desk. Then I got a call from a man that the 35W Bridge had fallen into the Mississippi River. A producer told me that someone was pulling my leg. Suddenly I got another call. We then checked out the traffic cameras. There was a cloud of smoke and a huge hole. I knew that things were going to get crazy, so I paged my co-worker up to the desk right away. I dispatched our chopper pilot into the air, he was in disbelief. My co-worker sent out an all reporter, photographer and tech page. I called my old co-worker from Traffic.com and told her to come in ASAP, we needed help making some traffic maps. I think everyone was in shock. I remember I drove over it 2 days before. Nothing felt akward. To this day, people claim that when they were driving over the bridge that day it felt unsafe and wobbly.
After that the hours just flew by. Phone call after phone call. I remember I had my reporter friend from the Sioux Falls station, KSFY, call. He was driving into metro and needed a TON of PIO numbers.
There are a few things I remember...there was a point where the phone lines were getting so crazy that when Norm Coleman called I didn't recognize his voice. I remember a producer calling in telling us that she got a room at the Holiday Inn that overlooked the site. The phone call I remember the most was a woman calling in saying that she was wondering why the show "American Inventor" wasn't on. That ticked me off so much...I'll just leave it at that. I remember that 13 people died. I remember I walked out that night at 1am.
My desk manager was such a trooper. He got off at 2pm that day, came back in around 7pm ish and stayed until NOON the next day!!! He is a very dedicated guy.
Next day...I think it was the next day-- the Hennepin County Medical Examiner's site put up a page that would let us know the bodies identified from the wreck. That day I was dealing more with the national and INTERNATIONAL affiliates. That was probably the biggest pain. It's funny, because now that is one of my favorite things to do at work. I remember that Congress granted Mpls money to rebuild a new bridge- I think it was $250 million? We were on the air for...I can't remember for sure, 25hrs straight? That night I left work at midnight...and I went to the site.
The site had turned people into tourists. People from WI and all across MN came to view it. It is probably about 20 some blocks west from the station. It's one thing to look at the site on TV, but in person, it was just horrific and mostly sad. I saw people crying...I shed a few tears, but I didn't cry hard. I couldn't really get a good look, but I saw cars on the concrete in the river. At this point, everything was blocked off. If you crossed police lines, you were handcuffed and taken away. Days and days later they reopened the Stone Arch Bridge (walking bridge near the 'U'). Across at Gold Medal Park, there were hundreds of cards, stuffed animals-- just rememberance signs. I recently saw one when I was driving down University towards work. It was a little kid's handwriting that said, "We will never forget you."
Friday was the day the First Lady had to come into town because she had to talk about childhood education. She later toured the site.
The next day President Bush came to tour the site. I went back to working my normal hours.
Sunday was a special service at a church for all the victims (one, I should say, I went to high school with!).
And after that...day by day we waited for more news conferences-- and believe me, they were practically happening every hour for a WEEK-- and we awaited the names of the victims. I think we almost interviewed everyone that was on the bridge that day and the families that lost a loved one. After that part was "done," it was all about attending funerals, visitations, making sure we were at the bridge at the right time when they took certain vehciles off, such as the school bus or the Tasty Truck. During this time, we hired a freelance photog who's job was to be a stakeout at the bridge site just to make sure nothing goes wrong. Then we had to cover many, many benefits for the victims.
I learned a ton about the victims. I think the victim that got the most media attention in this whole thing, in my opinion-- is Sherry Engebretsen. She was working at Thrivent Financial downtown. At the time, they were doing construction around the bridge area. Up until that day, she had avoided it all summer and took the back roads home. She was 60.
I think Christina Sacorafas was the second most talked about. She was very involved with her church and loved to dance. I think she was 36 if I remember? I remember talking to her boyfriend on the phone. He was still shaken up.
Greg Jolstad if I recall was the construction worker that was on the bridge when it fell.
There are more...the boyfriend of Mercedes Gordon went to my college, SCSU. She survived, and they had a huge benefit party for her.
Currently, the bridge is being rebuilt. The project started a month or two later than it should've. The gov't was (and still is!) arguing about "who's fault it is." In my opinion, at the time, I didn't want the gov't to argue, we needed a quick answer and solution...there's a hole in the middle of one the most traveled freeways in the metro!!!
They had to expand 94 EB/WB between the split and Hwy 280 to four lanes. It used to be three. They are a lot narrower. They also had to remove all stoplights on Hwy 280 and block of residential streets.
When you do travel up 35W North, you have to exit at Washington Ave. Up ahead are a ton of barricades and fences. If you travel South, you have to exit at University Ave. Again, more barricades and fences.
I haven't been by the site since the day it collapsed, but when you look at our bridge camera, there are many cranes. Right now they are working on the Piers. Everytime I look at the camera, it looks the same. I think once everything starts "rising" I'll be able to tell a difference.
What is very nice is every..I think Sunday...the bridge contractors offer free tours for people so they can update them on the bridge progress. I think that is very kind and helpful of them, it gives people a brighter light and more hope. It's very important for people to know.
What I am looking fwd to is driving over the new bridge once it is done being rebuilt. I am looking forward to the NTSB being done with their investigation.
It may be the biggest year for the election (and the RNC, for you people), but it's also another big year for MN when the bridge is finished...