The other day I was going through a ton of old MySpace blogs that I had written from 3-4 years ago. I haven't logged into my MySpace account in ages.
Some of the things I said made me crack up-- I think my favorite was when I was talking about a liquor account and I was "dancing in a cage handing out samples and cards, then later that night I took some Vicadin because my head hurt." Then I talked about how I wanted to be locked in a cage more often. Lol.
But some of the things I was saying back then shocked me and made me sad with what I was going through. Now that I'm 30 I can look back and have a better understanding about what was going on with me back then.
This is the first time I have ever really spoken about this but I want to leave a few details out...
I think the highest point of my life was when I was 26/27. I had just landed a full time gig at my TV station and I felt like I had it made. It was like, OMG I did it-- I work in television, ya know? After working all these part time gigs, I finally did it.
I was on top of the world but I was lonely. It's hard working in an environment where a majority of your co-workers were either engaged, married or had a significant other and when they come up to you asking why you are single and why you don't have anybody. I was proud of being single an independent, like I'm fine on my own...I can do this...but I started feeling pressure. Big time.
Awhile later, one of my co-workers approached me and asked me out, so I accepted. I was skeptical, I have never done that before, but went ahead with it. We had fun with each other and it only lasted only a few months. We both wanted to different things in life. What I learned from him was that I wanted to get married in the future, not necessarily to HIM but in general.
After we called it off I was a little sad, but not crying over it. I put more energy into work and managing liquor accounts. When NYE came in 2007 I told my best friend, "2008 is going to be MY YEAR!! Everything is going to be perfect!"
But it turned out to be my worst year of my life to date.
In January 2008 I started casually seeing a man that was older than me. I think some of you that might read this know who I am talking about. I was attracted to him from the getgo, had a co-worker put in a good word for me and ended up asking when him and I could meet up. We ended up going on a date and all I could remember was thinking, so THIS is what it's like to have those "sparks" everyone was talking about! The date lasted 8 hours-- it was a long time. We clicked, we gel'ed, everything couldn't have been more perfect. I wish I would've slowed down some, because it was like it went from 0 to 100 MPH in one night. I was excited but later scared of my actions. God in retrospect I think, What the hell was I thinking back then?
A month later everything turned into a little "game." I hated it. It was more like a "I'll call you when I want to talk to you" with him, not a "I'll call you because I'm thinking about you and want to make sure your day went well"- ya know what I mean? Everything just got too complicated and ended up being a one-way street with him. With any relationship I have in my life, friends, family, whatever-- I always make it a two-way street. Sometimes I left work between February and March because my boss thought I was "sick." But I would go home and cry, just cry, all day long. Tears just wouldn't stop. Thank god my parents weren't around and in Florida because I needed so much space during that time. I didn't want to be around anyone.
My boss sat me down one day and said he was worried about me and insisted I take a vacay. That's when I took a trip to LA with my mom in 2007. Whenever I took a trip somewhere, in the back of my mind I would wonder if I could ever live there or not. I told my mom, God, why didn't I come here years ago in my early 20s? Four years later I made that dream come true.
Anyway, back to the story...There is nothing in the world I wouldn't have done for him. I wanted us to be a couple so bad but it just couldn't be. It was an on and off head game for the rest of the year, like just when I thought I could get my bearings again and move forward, he'd come back begging me not to get rid of him in my life. I did stupid shit too-- like I'd call him and try to get a rise out of him because I missed him (at the time) and wanted attention. It wasn't cool what either of us were doing.
In between all this people started talking, most of the time getting back to him. We were never, ever a couple, let's get that straight, at times over the phone or when we did hang out we would ACT like it but we weren't. Nothing was offical. I never bad talked him and never spread rumors and he didn't do that with me either. It was strictly a situation where we were friends but at times got complicated trying to figure things out.
By the end of 2008 I was laid off from my job due to budget cuts. I thought, great. I had a rough year dealing with a guy and now I lost my job. I was heartbroken after all of it, mainly from the guy. I was able to go back to NAVTEQ again part time and still work my liquor gig but it was the guy that did me in. I felt like I wasn't good enough and I cut off dating from my life up until I moved to California. I thought, men just like me because I am tall and slender and see me as a challenge and then a conquer, what could I give a man? That's when the partying happened. My friend Brea and I would go out all the time, sometimes 4 or 5 times a week. All I remember was I didn't want to be sitting around at home and I wanted to go out, I'd always be going SOMEWHERE with Brea. And when I saw what SHE went through with men when we would go out that made me put my walls up even more. I didn't trust anybody but my family and some close friends. That was it. Don't talk to me unless I want to be talked to. Don't screw with me or I would bring you down.
I wasn't partying in a bad way where I was getting intoxicated (well, once in a blue moon) all the time, I know when to cut myself off and say no. I was the more responsible one actually and always made sure everyone else was safe in the end. Once again I was the nurturer. But the older guy I used to see used to say to me, "Kateri you party too much!" and I'd be in denial, no I'm not!! Screaming. But I did.
Dating in your 20s is suppose to be fun and loving and for a majority of it for me it wasn't. It wasn't just the ton of bad experiences. I think I kept using my hardwork effort as an excuse not to date, even as I type that I still don't 100% have that figured out.
I love being independent, but you get to a certain point in your life where the walls have to come down and you have to let someone in and go forward together when the right person comes along. Like it was just getting really old, ya know what I mean? I don't know why it took me moving to California to make me realize that.
I'm getting beyond sleepy I need to go to bed...
